talking about future scares me. i am freaking out. i dont know what the future holds for us. yes, i am going to get married one day, with him. but then, after that?
how about having kids?nope, im not ready yet. i cant imagine myself having kids. first of all, i dont know if i can go through the hardship and pain enduring delivery process. silly me for talking about this, but u cant blame me for having the trauma, after being posted in OBG department few times. i am not joking, i am scared.:-/.. and, am i capable to raise a child? dang...im a child myself. i will cry if i dont get what i want. in fact, i just cried yesterday talking to my parents coz they wont allow me to go back to malaysia. see...T.T
how about work? yes im going to grad, with God's willing, end of next year. and i am going to finish my housemanship MAYBE at hbnz (hospital besar nur zahirah) along with nazmi. btw, nazmi has started his job in the same hospital. houseman ship for 2 years, then MO,and after that?
last night, nazmi and i were talking about the future. and we end up with argumentssss. well, not arguments as in raising voice or what so ever. but, there are few things we could not agreed with each other.
for example, nazmi planned nak bukak business. ok fine, itu mmg his planning dari dlu lagi and i am ok with it. pegila buka businesss, tapi nazmi bagitau kalau one of us nak keluar government, then salah sorang kena stay in government. and in my case, if dia yg plan nak bukak business, its me la yg kena stay in government. but the thing is, i have my own planning. i want to open my own private clinic, insyaAllah. so camna now? ok la fine, my planning to mmg la sekadar impian semata jek, and nazmi plak mmg dah betul2 planning nak bukak biz, so sy la yg kena berkorban and stay jek in government. ok fine, i dont mind that.
but then, comes another problem. he told me, i need to do specialist. huaa...sobs...i dont feel like doing any specialist dah in future. i dont feel like pursuing study anymore. cukup2 la penat and kemalasan study now,tak boleh ke just jadi doctor biasa? yes i know, silly me sbab apa yang nazmi suruh tu for my own good,dia cakap takkan sy nak kerja teruk2 jd MO jek, at least buat specialist tu tak de la kerja teruk sgt, yeke? but..sigh...tak nak tak nak tak nak.....hukkkk...and he is serious about it! and i am being stubborn, i noe thattt.wekx.
so i said, ok fine kalau nak suh wat specialist, nak buat kat overseas jugak. UK ke, Aussie ke, mana2 la. and i told nazmi to come along with me,tapi nazmi pulak ckp, kalau wat kat sana, dia nak buat apa?dh la dia nak bukak biz..huuu..aduyai..masalah lagi..so now kena tukar planning, KALAU nk buat specialist, sy kena pilih local U jek. and my impian nak g UK study sana??nampaknya terkubur je la impian tu. nazmi cakap kalau sy nak sgt pgi UK, xpela, dia promise nnti dia bawak pegi jalan2 sana kalau ada rezeki. hey u better keep your promise ok??!!hukk...sedih..
sebenarnya susah nya nak planning future. lebih2 lagi kalau planning future keluarga cmni. and we did talked like a married couple.;p. dia ckp skrg apa2 planning dia, dia kena fikir pasal me. thats why sme yg dia ckp tu, sme untuk kebaikan kitrng.huhuhu...orang lain macam ni tak? any married couple out there yg ada masalah camni tak?haha..or it is just me yang being selfish and stubborn now?huuuuu
p/s - but today,after pikir2 balik apa yang kitrng borak smlm, sy sedar sme yg dia ckp tu tuk kebaikan kami. meybe smlm was just a bad day and bad timing for him to bring up the subject, after me being devastated sbb my parents tak kasi balik mesia. huhu. ;p..tapi apa yg kitrng borakkan smlm is something big, and i need to think carefully about it.
p/s/s- tiba2 takut nak kawen. gosh, nanti in future mesti lagi banyak masalah akan datang. mampu kah sy menghadapi sme ni?wakaka. but serious ly, married life is not something simple. there's lot more responsibilities and problems and are we matured enough to handle that together?
p/s/s/s- one sentence i remembered him saying it last night, after all the arguments and me being stubborn..' walau apa pon terjadi, susah cmna pon hidup kita akan dtg, org nak awak ingt yg org akan sentiasa ada dgn awak'..thanks awak..;-(